Lance Bass Ruined My Life

Worst. Contest. Ever.

Okay. So here’s the deal. The super fantastic contest is over. Now comes the hard part. I have to name a winner. This is very difficult for me because I am very indecisive. Like really bad. You should see how long it takes me to decide where to pick up food from when I get off work. (This has become a bigger problem since my messy divorce from Popeye’s because it was always my fall back.) That and sitting here, I am overwhelmed with fear that should you not win, then you will hate me and never read me again and curse the day I was born. You get that I’m incredible insecure, right? But I have to make a decision, so here it is.

 

First I want to thank everyone for entering because you are cool peeps. (Yes, I used the word peeps. It’s dorky and I’m okay with that.) And I love you all. In my own special my heart is filled with bitter rage sort of way.

 

So here goes. The winner is…(yeah I know what’s up with this gay ass pause)…Kate. This is for the simple fact that she was the only one to offer her help in capturing Lance Bass and keeping him “safe”.

 

Honorable mentions go out to Bridget for her creative use of reverse psychology that reminded me of Eric Cartman when he owned an amusement park. (Yes, Bridget, I am totally reusing that joke.) And to Jenny because “Reristance Ris Rutile" made me laugh so hard that people at the airport were looking at me like a terrorist.

 

NOW DON’T STOP READING!!!!! I have more hopefully exciting news. Here’s the thing. I take place in a lot of contests and I never win. Ever. (Well with the exception of Hannah over at http://theblacktulip.wordpress.com ‘s huge vagina prize giveaway.) So I know how much is sucks to not win a contest, even a lame ass one like this. So I’ve made the decision that no one loses today. You are all going to be winners as long as you entered. I know what kind of shitty contest am I running here?

 

So I am going to let you all read my book because some of you suggested this very same idea and it was a good one because it will give me lots of feedback and hopefully bring some joy into your lives. I realize this may be shooting myself in the foot giving out all these free copies to people who could potential buy the damn thing, but I’m willing to take that risk. Because I could totally just add parts to it when it’s published so you have to buy a copy.

 

So while Kate and Bridget and Jenny totally get bragging rights (and that stay at the *Nsync mansion(thank you Samantha for reminding me about the *)) you are all going to be winners.

 

There will be ground rules though. This is not primarily a proofreading job. This is more for you to read and tell me if it sucks hardcore or not. Though you are more than welcome to point out any mistakes, but just be warned that some are totally intentional. You can tell me which parts are funny. Which are not. And which parts suck like Edward Cullen when Bella is out of town and Jacob comes over. And I hope this rule goes without saying. You are not allowed to post any part of this on the internet or anywhere else or I will have to have a big old screaming drama fit and talk about how I have been violated as a writer and may never write again like that fucking drama queen Stephanie Meyers. (What the fuck is up with her anyway? Like people weren’t going to buy the book anyway. Yeah I can see myself doing that. Oh no, I don’t need millions of dollars because I have been violated.)

 

Over the next couple of days, I will be sending out test emails to make sure I have everyone’s correct email address because sometimes when I try to reply gmail spits my emails right back in my face. And of course to make sure you are still interested because you could have totally changed your mind and that would be okay. It wouldn’t make me cry or anything.

 

Happy reading and I hope you like it.

It's Like The Lottery Only With More Peeing In Your Pants (Hopefully)

I have always been hesitant to do a contest on my blog. Mainly, because I am afraid that no one will enter it and that would make me cry. And let’s face it, a fat man crying is not a pretty thing. There’s all the tears and the snot and the hamburgers and it’s just not cool. Also I’ve never had anything to give away, so what kind of lame ass contest would that be, right? But now I sort of have something that would be like a cool prize and I sort of need help, so I would see how it goes.

 

Here’s the thing. I finished my book. It’s been written, rewritten, proofread, and reproofread by someone who is not completely illiterate when it comes to grammar. (Me.) So now I have two options. I can either try to sell the thing or sit back and admit that I have wasted the past couple of years of my life on this thing. While the lazy in me would is all about the latter, I can’t do that. I mean, I sort of have to get this thing published because that would allow me to spread my bitchy on a massive scale and isn’t that the whole point of my life?

 

So what does this have to do with you and this super fantastic awesome contest? Well, I will tell you. I need someone to read this thing, someone who preferably isn’t related to me, and tell me if it sucks or not. I mean it could totally suck. In fact there have been times when I’ve been sitting there and go “Wow, this sucks.” But I don’t know if it really sucks or if it is just sucking in my mind. And this way I could see if you would actually spend money on it, you know, if you didn’t already have the free copy, but you should still go buy a copy of it when it comes out anyway because I’m poor.

 

And this would totally give me a good idea about how many people would actually be interested in reading a book by me. I swear I won’t cry if you don’t. (But I so will.)

 

So as to the rules of this thing, there aren’t a lot because I am too lazy to make rules. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post stating that you would like to read my book. That’s it. Bonus points if you make me laugh. But that isn’t all that hard to do.  Emails to lancebassruinedmylife@gmail.com are acceptable but I would prefer comments so as to keep all the entries as organized as possible. All two of them. (Please, dear Science, let it be more than two.) Contest ends on Sunday September 6. I have no idea how the winner will be picked yet because this idea just came to me and I didn’t have time to think that far ahead. I’ll figure that out later on.

 

The winner will receive an emailed version (I would print it out but I have killed enough trees on this damn thing already) of my great masterpiece to read and enjoy (or ridicule) and tell me if it is decent or a complete sucktacular explosion. And as a bonus you get to help me name it because I cannot decide on its name. I know right, sort of lame. To sweeten the pot, the winner will also receive a weekend stay with me at my N’sync themed mansion just as soon as I marry Lance Bass.

 

So that’s it. Easy, right?

 

And I swear this contest is not a ploy just to get more comments. I really need the help, like badly. So you don’t have to enter if you don’t want to. Nothing will really happen if you don’t. Just the lowering of my self esteem to the point where I go crazy and kidnap your dog. That’s it. No pressure.

 

P.S. That was harsh. I totally just assumed and didn’t think that not everyone is a dog person. I will kidnap your cat too.

 

P.P.S That was harsher. I wouldn’t kidnap your beloved pet. Pretty much because my dog would assimilate your pet (He’s Borg, you know.) and then there would be no stopping the animal army that would invade the world in a quest for more petting and Snausages. I couldn’t do that to your pet. I’d watch out for your car though.