Okay, so I’m back. I took a mental health week and let myself be a heartbroken mess of crap and well, I’m pretty much still a mess, but am at least getting out of bed and moving around, mainly because my bed is super uncomfortable right now because a large dip in the mattress has formed where I have been laying. But it's just been a whole storm of bullshit coming down on me these past two weeks.
So for those of you who expressed your concern, thank you, I appreciate it. It was a great motivator for getting my ass in gear. And for those of you who were worried that this might be the end of the blog, rest assured, one does not quit Lance Bass Ruined My Life. One tries, sometimes, but it is not possible. Throughout all the crappy times, the firing, the really not funny posts, 0 comment weeks, I’m still here. In fact, coming up shortly will be my fourth anniversary doing this blog. (Which sort of makes it the longest job I have ever had. Wouldn’t it be nice if I were actually getting paid to do this?)
So I am proud to say that I did not spend my whole week wallowing. Don’t get me wrong, it was mostly wallowing and double cheeseburgers from Denny’s, but not all of it. I decided that I could either surrender to the gloom and act like I am the only person to ever have gotten his heart broken and had all sorts of bad shit happen at the same time or I could throw myself back into writing. While I do love this blog, it is not the writing I’ve talking about. Not many people know this but I got my start in writing fiction and crap. Not that a lick of it was ever published. That has somehow gotten lost in all the blogging and wallowing and cheeseburgers. I realized this week that I haven’t writing anything that wasn’t blog related almost at all this whole year. So I’ve decided to try fiction again.
So here it is. If it sucks, feel free to tell me. And don’t let my fragile mental state sway you at all.
Late Afternoon
The woods are creepy. Even more creepy because Edmund keeps walking around and staring at me like a large person stares at a bag of Dorritos. If he really does try to attack me, I could always use the branch I’m holding as a weapon. I picked it up a while back, though I apparently misunderstood what Edmund was talking about when he said, “Let’s go into the woods and have a swordfight.”
I’m sitting on a tree that’s lying on its side. Twenty minutes ago it was standing tall, but I knocked it over when I tripped on its roots. Edmund really should know better than to bring me places like this with me being so clumsy. Everyone in my family says, “That Billy could get a job on a demolition crew and just walk around.” But Edmund said he has something important to tell me.
“You’re a vampire.” I must say this was not what I expected. This seems like something he should have brought up before our first date.
“A sexy vampire.”
“You’re a gay vampire?” I didn’t think those existed outside of gay porn videos.
“A sexy, gay vampire.”
“Wait. You’re a teenage, gay vampire?”
“A sexy, teenage, gay vampire.” His modesty is why I fell in love with him after knowing him for half an hour. “Even though, technically, I am three hundred and sixty two years old.”
Yikes. That’s a really big age difference. Is there a gay vampire equivalent to a cougar? A leopard, maybe? Or a hyena?
I know I’ve only known Edmund for about forty five minutes now, but this makes me love him more. I’m pretty sure that if something happened and we couldn’t be together, I would lose my will to live. And then my life would become an empty shell with me sitting in a chair, eating cheese doodles, and watching the seasons go by.
“I’m not afraid. I’m ready for you to turn me.”
“Good. I’ve been wanting to bite you since I first saw you. I have to warn you that the process will be quite painful.”
“It’s okay. I can take it. I trust you more than anyone I’ve known for longer than an hour.”
“And you’re sure you are ready to spend all eternity like me.”
“Oh! You’re talking about turning me into a vampire! That’ll be good too.” We really need to work on out communication skills. I wonder if there is a couple’s councilor who specializes in situations like this.
Edmund walks towards me, completely violating my bubble of personal space. I’ll let him get away with it this time but that’s going to be one of the first issues we talk about in therapy.
“Just imagine spending all time with me. We’ll be two incredibly sexy, teenage, gay vampires and the sex we will have will demolish houses.”
Great. Even becoming a vampire won’t stop me from knocking things over.
“And when we go out into the sun, we will sparkle like two glorious disco balls.”
That might be fun on the nights when I drag Edmund to the gay bars with me. I’m sure we will be a big hit suspended from the ceiling while all the sexy gay nonvampires dance below us.
“Oh, Billy, it will be wonderful. When the transformation is complete, your skin will grow pale like mine and you will look like you have never seen the sun in your life.”
My hand clenches tightly around the branch I’m still holding before I thrust it upward. It lodges right in middle of Edmund’s heart. He falls to his knees and looks at me in horror. “Why? I thought you loved me and we were going to have house crashing sex together.”
“Like I would ever get rid of my tan.” I throw the branch down on top of the pile of dust that used to be my soul mate.
Now what do I do? I hear there is a sexy, gay, teenage werewolf on the other side of town. He wouldn’t make me get rid of my tan, surely.
