Lance Bass Ruined My Life: Mom, You Probably Shouldn't Read This

(Like I’m serious. You probably shouldn’t read this. Let’s just say for mental health reasons.)

(Fine. Be hard headed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And don’t come to me looking for money for therapy bills.)

Okay, so unless you have been living under a rock, or are just headless, then I am assuming you have heard of this thing out there called Grindr. For those Decapitated Americans out there, I will explain. Grindr is this thing that gay men invented so they wouldn’t have to leave their own zip code in their never ending search for penis. It is because of this that we have discovered the proximity is the greatest aphrodisiac. Apparently, nothing gets a gay man out of his clothes faster than being 300 feet away from another gay man. (Don’t ask me. I don’t understand my people any more than you do.)

So anyway. Grindr seems like a lot of those other dating apps out there, except with super classy screen names like LetsGetNaked and 8inches4U. Clearly these people are hunting for true love. I am already picturing the conversations they are going to have with their adopted child in the future when she asks how her daddies met. “Well, honey, my phone said your daddy was 40 feet away from me, so the only logical thing to do was bone.”

In my quest to stay several years behind the times, I have attempted to do this Grindr thing and see what it is all about. What follows are some of the conversations I have had over this brilliant piece of technology.

***

HRNYnHOUSTON: I could give you the night of your life.

Me: Awesome. Pizza and a Star Trek marathon. Count me in.

***

Bigone ==D: Man you’re fat.

Me: So is your mom, but half the city has still slept with her.

***

HotNLegal: Are you generous?

Me: Extremely.

HotNLegal: I’ll do anything you want for $40.

Me: Start with my laundry.

***

Horndog76: Looking?

Me: Oh my god, yes! Have you seen my keys?

***

DoMeNow: Wanna hookup?

Me: I’m kind of involved with this Revenge marathon I’m having.

DoMeNow: You’re choosing a lame TV show over hot sex with me.

Me: Madeleine Stowe is a TREASURE!!!!

***

Nakedandready: Blow me?

Me: And they say chivalry is dead.

***

WantsomeNOW: What are you looking for?

Me: A way to free Peach from the clutches of the evil Bowser.

WantsomeNOW: You apparently have serious issues.

Me: I take saving princesses very seriously.

***

DiscreetMarried: I would lick you like an Oreo.

Me: Now I want some Oreos. Do you have any? Like Double Stuff? I mean if you only have regular those will do.

DiscreetMarried: Is that supposed to be some kind of a joke?

Me: I never joke about Oreos.

***

MWMtop4u: Suck my dick in your car.

Me: I’m sorry, but that was not phrased in the form of a question. Game over.

***

I’m not sure, but I think I might be doing Grindr wrong.

Comments

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You're doing it right if you want a good laugh. Its better to amuse yourself rather than engage in a quickie with a 70's porn stached stranger. As a pleasant bonus I was amused.

Posted by: Finn | April 08, 2015 at 06:16 AM