Holy fucking Popeye’s Biscuit, y’all, the most disturbing thing just happened. I am really scared and am thinking about calling the police to see what my chances of getting into the witness protection program are. Because I really need to be protected from what I just witnessed.
So I’m at work right now. And since I am getting paid to do absolutely nothing right now, I have been farting around on my computer and watching cable. We don’t usually have the cable connected so this is an extra special treat for me. The only thing that could make this job any better is if I could smoke inside. But sadly, I cannot so I have to go outside. This is an act that I am now regretting and I may never be able to smoke again for fear of having flashbacks of the dreaded incident that will leave me and everyone around me scarred when I freak out.
So I just went outside for a cigarette. The house that I work in is in this pretty nice neighborhood, so it has a sweet backyard that I went to smoke in. Though I was getting pretty pissed off because the next door neighbor had his back porch light on full blast and it was blinding the fuck out of me. I was prepared to forgive him because he was sitting outside smoking a cigarette too and he was kind of cute. The fence between yards isn’t high at all so I could see him clearly so I could check him out.
And that’s when things took a turn for the fucked up.
It took me a few minutes of checking him out before I realized that he was not, in fact, smoking a cigarette, but something a little more recreational. Now don’t get me wrong, while I do not participate in the mind mellowing substances (no matter how many times I have been told I should just so I would chill the fuck out), I don’t have a problem with people partaking in it. It was just a little weird that this guy was sitting in his fully lit backyard doing this when he knows I am standing right there and can totally see him.
And then, as I am standing there in full view, he proceeds to drop his pants and start handling his business. Please tell me you understand what I am saying here, so that I don’t have to go into further detail. I have been traumatized enough as it is.
If he didn’t know I was there before, which he totally fucking did, he knew I was there after because I started choking on my cigarette and had a coughing fit that almost made me shit my pants. Now I am in shock, coughing up a storm, about to die, and he doesn’t even stop. So I have no choice but to drop my cigarette, run inside, lock the doors and turn off all the lights. That’s where I am right now, sitting in the corner with the laptop as the only source of light in the house.
What kind of person feels the need to handle their junk in their backyard at 2:30 in the morning? Especially when he gives the person standing there absolutely no notice that he’s about to do that. Now granted, he was cute, but there is just not enough cute in the world to make that okay.
The worst part is that since he lives next door, there is a very good chance that I am going to run into him during the daytime. I don’t think I am going to be able to drive away fast enough without hitting a pedestrian.
LMFAO! Shit like that only happens to you, I swear! lol
Posted by: Danielle | July 11, 2011 at 11:14 AM