Lance Bass Ruined My Life

Physical Education

So yesterday was Field Day at school. This is the first time I’ve ever been to one since I have started all this subbing. And let’s just say that this was an adventure that I am not sure if I really want to encounter again. Pitting the kids against one another in ridiculous events only makes the little monsters turn a little violent towards each other, with all the taunting and the booing and the whatnot.

It should probably not come as a shock that my Chunky Monkeys (Yes, that was the name I gave my team.) kicked everyone’s asses. Not only are my kids a little smarter than the rest of the classes in 1^st grade, they have a thick layer of crazy right under the surface. This tends to make people underestimate them because all the other 1^st graders wear their crazy on the outside. Well, they swooped in and destroyed the competition. Are you really surprised? With this kind of bitchy as their coach? Did anyone stand a chance?

So we go threw all of the lame ass events, with my Monkeys just dominating. My kids are celebrating and honestly, not being the best sports about the whole thing. I tried to teach them all about sportsmanship and all that, but that kind of went out the window when I stuck my tongue at and shook my ass at one of the rival teachers. Yeah, I’m not really the best sport, especially when I’m winning.

An hour later, after we have murdered all the other teams and I’m about to lead my class in a victory dance that would end with us laughing at all the other teams, the teachers in charge decided that the only fair thing to do would be to make everyone a winner and forget about the score. Yeah, what’s that bullshit about?

I’m old school. If my kids kicked your ass, I want that acknowledged. I want it yelled from the rooftops. I want a huge trophy that I can wave in front of all the other teams to show them that I am awesome and they all suck. This is all for the kids benefit, clearly.

But no, I was robbed from that glory. I have to share it with a bunch of losers because the powers that be decided it was more important for all the kids to feel good about themselves, then having my kids being acknowledged as their betters. You know, if all those other teams were good enough, they would have won, but they didn’t.

I’m not very PC when it comes to this. We didn’t have any of that feel good, touchy feely crap when I was in school and I turned out just fine. Just because I have a thirst for the destruction of other teams doesn’t mean anything. I’m not saying that my kids needed to make the others cry, but it might have been nice.

The Post Rapture Update

So I guess it should come as no surprise that three days after the Rapture, I’m still here. But then again, if you are reading this, then so are you, so don’t get all pointy with that finger of judgment there, missy. I did throw around the idea of just not posting ever again and letting you all just assume that I had been rapturized or something. And that would have made all your minds just go insane because how in the hell could I have been one of the chosen ones. Really, I’m a homo, I have a potty mouth, and I just don’t really give a shit about other people. These just aren’t qualities that they are looking for in the promised land.

But some fucked up shit did happen in the day leading up to the big day. My favorite being a parent of a child, who I do not particularly care for, stopped me to ask me if there would be school on Monday. I actually had to stop and think for a minute to make sure I hadn’t gotten my dates wrong and Memorial Day was that day. I have been known to spend an entire day bitching about it only being Tuesday only to find out when I got home that it’s really Thursday, but an entire week is a bit of a stretch for me.

So I ask her why there wouldn’t be school. This was a mistake and I knew it before I opened my mouth, but humoring that sheep is in the job description. This is when she tells me that she just wasn’t sure since the Rapture was this weekend if we would have the kids come to school on Monday.

I want you to tell me exactly how you are supposed to keep a straight face when a parent asks you that. I wanted to ask her if she was worried that she wouldn’t be here after the big event. And if she had said yes, I would have been quick to relieve her of that delusion. Anyone who raised the demon spawn that thought it would be funny to climb over the stall in the bathroom to laugh at the little kindergartener using it need not worry about being picked up by Jesus.

I was hoping that she was joking, but no, she was dead serious. And that was just incredibly depressing. I already feel like I spend my days educating the future McDonald’s workers of America, but meeting their parents just makes me want to cry.

Don’t you think that if the Rapture was going affect school attendance, we would have let you know in advance? As much as I would like all the kids to just disappear in the blink of an eye, it is very unlikely that it is going to happen. I mean God hasn’t been granting any of my wishes lately, I don’t know why he/she/it would start now.

Author! Author!

So, I am a big supporter of creative writing. It’s not taught much in school and that is a great source of sadness to me. So one of the things that’s so great about being a sub is that you don’t always have to follow the lesson plan exactly. This is very good for me because the lesson plans never have any room for using television as a babysitter, which I am a huge advocate of.

I tend to veer away from the lesson plans and I do like to make room for some creative writing projects. Now the success of this is not always the best because like I have explained before I am in a bilingual class, so they tend to write in Spanish. But it’s all good because I have someone translate for me when I really want to know what they wrote about. I only get some of them translated so to keep the kids on their toes. They never know when I am going to have theirs translated so they tend to not write nasty shit. Now, I know you are saying, what the hell could a 1^st grader write that would be nasty. Well, you would be fucking surprised.

Here are just some of the things that my kids have written.

This first one I am not too clear on because my translator that day was laughing so hard that she didn’t really give me an exact translation. The paraphrasing that she gave me goes like this. “My friend Nick played with his horse. He took his horse to the store. He was robbed on the road and he was murdered. I went to the store and found Nick and his horse dead on the side of the road.”

Yeah. That’s some pretty fucked up shit to come out of the mind of a 1^st grader. Since reading this, I have not been able to look at this kid the same way. Especially after seeing the accompanying picture of someone shooting the horse. If you could get that picture out of your head, then you are a better person that I am.

This other girl wasn’t so much scary as just plain mean. The assignment was to write a story about your family. Well, this girl doesn’t really like her family very much. I looked over her shoulder and asked her what she wrote so far. I thought it might have been a lot because it took up half a page, but it was really only one sentence. “My sister is fat and she likes enchiladas.”

Okay. I want you to tell me how it is at all possible to stand there and hear that she wrote that and keep a straight face. It cannot be done. It just cannot be done. If you don’t laugh at that, you are a robot and I do not support that.

Clearly, I am going to have to be more selective when I give out my writing assignment. These kids should not be allowed to have free range in their creative process. Because I really don’t want to be responsible for anymore fictional horses getting murdered.

Whore Couture

Friday was free dress day at school. They do this once a month to celebrate all of the people who had perfect attendance for the whole month. Now the problem with this is that the students don’t really wear their uniform to school in the first place. They don’t even bother wearing the one of six different colored shirts they are allowed and just wear whatever the fuck they want to anyway. This sort of defeats the purpose of having a free dress day. But as it turns out, free dress day is really just an excuse to celebrate Dress Your First Grader Like A Fucking Slut Day.

I am sorry, but there is no excuse for a first grader to come to school dressed in booty shorts. It is just not kosher. It is not even acceptable for a first grader to own a pair of booty shorts. I really don’t enjoy having to spend my day averting my eyes because looking at a seven year old with part of her butt cheek hanging out makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Also what is not cool is sending your daughter to school with the word Juicy written across her ass. That is wrong on so many levels. First of all, there is absolutely no reason for a kid that young (or anyone for that matter) to have words on their ass. And it is also scientifically impossible for a seven year old to be Juicy, so there is no need to advertise that fact. I’m thinking about filing a lawsuit for false advertising. I don’t think I could get a whole lot from the families because they can’t even afford to buy entire pants, but it would be about the principle of the thing. And I may not be the most fashion forward of homosexuals, but isn’t Juicy so 2007.

The boys don’t seem to have a problem with coming to school fully clothed. They all show up to school dressed like cowboys, complete with the belt buckle that is bigger than their heads. This proves to me that it is entirely possible to come to school dressed like a human being and not like they are preparing for a double shift on the street corner.

Since these girls actually get dropped off in the morning, I know that their parents know what they look like. How could it be okay in their minds to send their daughters to school in booty shorts? Not to mention the girl, who is a little on the big side, showing up with butt cheek hanging out and off the shoulder shirt, a la Flashdance.

All I’m really saying is that maybe first grade is a bit early to be training your daughters in the ways of the slut. That is something that is best left for second grade. Or correspondence course. Somewhere that I don’t have to see it.