There Is No Witty Title That Will Do This Travesty Justice, So I Am Just Not Even Trying To Find One

I got punched by a first grader. Yeah, you read that right. I got punched by a first grader. A fucking first grader. Seriously. I am still in fucking shock over this. I mean let’s break this down…a…fucking…first…grader…fucking…punched…me…fuck!

Look, I know I shouldn’t because it tends to piss people off, but I am so going to tell people how to raise their children. Granted, I haven’t been too particular about who I piss off because well, I just don’t give a shit. That’s the total bonus of being me.

So here’s my first piece of advice. Stop fucking up your kids. There is something seriously wrong with your kid if he thinks it’s okay to punch a teacher, even if it is just a substitute. And then what is even less helpful is when you come to pick up your kid and find out that he has been suspended, you throw a hissy fit and want your kid’s suspension taken away. Yeah, well, bitch, I want a lot of things that aren’t going to happen. So get the fuck over it. I understand that your kid being home for three whole days is going to interfere with your busy life of crack whoring, but we all must come to terms.

And here’s another piece of advice. If you are fucking moron, don’t procreate. And if you must, and clearly you do, don’t find another fucking moron to do it with. I mean I get that your options are limited with the low IQ and all but fucking hell. What you get when you do this is a little fucking moron who punches teachers.

By the way, I am not sure if you can tell, but I am fucking bitter as hell about this. And it’s not just because I got punched. By a first grader, in case you have forgotten. But it’s more that when I brought this up to the office, their response was, “Yeah, that happens.” Um..really? Like that’s just cool with them.

At the risk of sounding old and shit, but what the fuck is up with kids in school. I would say that they have lost their minds, but I really don’t think they have minds to begin with. I remember how boring school was when I was stuck there, but these aren’t bored stares that I am getting when I am talking.

They are just completely vacant stares that tell me nothing is going on in there. And I just look at them and realize that this will be what leads the world someday. It makes me want to build a bomb shelter and burrow myself in there with a lifetime supply of Popeye’s Biscuits and toaster waffles and hope for it all to end.

Speaking of which, I am hearing the siren call of the toaster waffles right now. If you will excuse me I am going to go toast me some waffle goodness and try to forget the existence of this evil first grader.

Did I mention he fucking punched me?

Comments

[N]

Dude! I totally hear you. I took a first grader by the hand and he tried to run off. Pulled my shoulder out, needed 2 surgeries, missed 7 weeks of work, and was told it was my fault for taking his hand! WTF? Was I supposed to let him attack the kid next to him instead? Ugh...

[A :)]

I was punched by a pre kindergartner (that would be a FOUR year old). I was also hit, kicked, slapped, and had a wooden block thrown at my head by said 4 year old. Needless to say I went to my boss and told her it was him or me. After he sat in the hallway chucking his shoes at parents trying to pick their kids up, he was finally told he had to leave the school. It was ridiculous. His parents acted like they had NO idea that they were raising the spawn of Satan. Ha. Yeah. Ok.