A Shitty Christmas

So what did you get for Christmas? Anything good? Well, let me tell you about my fabulous presents. I got a cool GPS for my car, a gift card to Amazon, and some sort of stomach virus that caused me to sit on the toilet for two weeks. I have no proof of this but I completely blame Santa Claus, which is complete bullshit because I have been a good boy this year. I mean thinking bad things and wishing evil on stupid people doesn’t really count, right?

Though I’m positive the big fat guy gave me this, it’s also a possibility that I got this from the kids at school who have awful ass parents who have failed to teach them to wash their hands after they do anything. I really don’t want to think about what is living on those kids hands, but it’s obviously something that can cause you to crap for two weeks straight. So way to go, parents.

So that made my holidays very fucking interesting. Isn’t the only good part of this god awful holiday is to be able to eat with abandon and not give a shit about it? Well that doesn’t work out so well when the second you eat something, you’ve got to go to the bathroom.

And in case you are wondering that’s also how I rang in the New Year. It made for a very fucked up holiday. I mean I pretty much hate the holidays to begin with because I am a bitter, angry person but this was just some fucked up shit…literally.

So now another year has passed, leaving me hoping that next Christmas will be a little better. And really, with the bar so low all I really need is a present and not to be sitting on the toilet the whole time and it’s pretty much 100% better.

So, in closing, fuck you Claus. I know you did this to me. You better watch yourself next year. I hope you like Oatmeal Raisin and Laxative Cookies. It’s the gift that will keep on giving.

Comments

[samantha]

So glad to see you're back!

[coco]

If it makes you feel any better, I got some Target dish towels, a sauce pan and a divorce. While I'm fine with the divorce, would some cute earrings or a gift card to Victoria's Secret (especially now!) be too much to ask?