Something happened today that I am not at all comfortable with. Let me set this up for you. I hate going to the bathroom at the airport. It is not a pleasurable experience for me. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say that it is quite possibly the worst thing that I have ever had to do. (I am including every second that I have to spend in the hotel in this comparison.) This is mostly because every time I have to go to the bathroom there is always someone in there having a very loud and inappropriate conversation in there.
I’m a little old school. I firmly believe that there should be no talking in the bathroom. Ever. Each person’s time in the bathroom should be private. Like if I’m in the stall next to someone, I most certainly do not need to ever hear that person say, “Oh, I’ll be right there. I’m in the bathroom dropping a ‘chester’ right now.” That’s just really uncalled for. I, in no way, need to know other people’s nicknames for taking a dump.
Also, if I’m in there, I do not want and/or need to here the person next to me talking to his client about his insurance policy. Here’s the thing. If I ever found out that my insurance agent was talking to me while he was sitting on the toilet, he would no longer be my insurance agent. Trust that.
So anyway, back to the weirdness that happened to me today. This might make me sound like a giant wuss, but I am going to admit it. I don’t like using the urinals. I am not one of those people who enjoys standing next to someone I don’t know and peeing. I can think of better ways to spend my time. So I like to use the stall. I like the satisfaction of knowing that I am behind a locked door that keeps me away from all the other nasty bathroom people. So I go into my stall and I’m taking my number one. Everything is cool. And then it happens.
There is a foot tapping underneath the partition of my stall.
Okay. I am going to explain something else. I am apparently the only gay man in the world who does not enjoy public bathroom “activities”. I believe that that kind of behavior belongs in cheaply made pornos or really crap gay indie movies that always suck but all gay guys are supposed to think are brilliant. (They fucking aren’t.) I did not even think this kind of behavior existed in real life. In fact, until all the shit went down with the dick loving senator dude, I did not know there was a foot tapping code for gay dudes who like to get it on in bathrooms. And not going to lie, I think my life was better off without this information.
The foot taps again. Okay, once might have been an accident, but twice is not. Twice is bad. Twice means that he is actually propositioning me for sex in the airport bathroom. Number one, like I am going to jeopardize my job so that I can mess around with some guy who I don’t know and can’t see in the bathroom. (By the way, great way to set an example gays with this behavior. Really superb job.) And number two, I can taste the vomit in the back of my mouth at the mere idea.
The foot taps a third time. I would have given him points for persistence but I hated him in all his skeezy glory, so I wasn’t even giving him that. I was trying to think of a way that would make him realize that I wasn’t interested, but since I didn’t know the whole foot tapping homo language, I had no idea how to translate, “Get the fuck away from me.” And I didn’t think I should do what I really wanted to do and yell, “No, sir, I do not want to touch your dirty penis!” That would have been rude, right?
So I peed on his foot.