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August 31, 2009

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Jenno

I would love to read your book, if for no other reason than I've already read all of the archives of your blog. I don't have a pet to kidnap and I drive a shitty car (1995 Saturn), but you could torture me by cutting my internet access at work. Then I would die, but you'd be down one commenter so it would hurt both of us.

Kristin

I have nothing as funny to say as the person above, but I love your blog and you are sometimes the only thing that makes me laugh out loud during my day!!

Julie

I would give the first commenter's left arm to be able to read your book. I spend a lot of my work day perusing your blog (women DO peruse) and credit it as one of the main reasons I don't try to kill myself in the ladies room during lunch.

Danielle

You promised me via email that when you got published I would here the gay scream all the way from Texas to my little home in Maine. I want to help you get there! LET ME READ IT PLLLLEASE!

Jenny

My dog's left eye is glowing and she keeps saying "Reristance Ris Rutile". Am I too late? Please let me read your book so I can save the dog.

Toni Miller

I'd love to read your book. I'm very tactful, so if it really stinks I will be able to tell you without making you cry. But, if your book is as funny as your blog it is probably going to be a great read.

Melissa

Not only do I want to read your book, I want my book club to read it as well. We are all girls (women, whatever) except one Mr. Mom. We meet once a month at the only coffee shop in our redneck-infested town. We tried to meet at the restaurant that serves wine for our previous meeting (yes, liquor by the drink just passed last year and god has yet to rain down fire and brimstone upon the town) but they were utter assholes, so we will not be going there again. But, I digress. We read all sorts of books. I think we would all be fair in our assessment of your work. Although the attendees vary from month to month, the regulars include, in addition to Mr. Mom, an ESL teacher, grant writer, newspaper reporter, ER nurse, and arts organization administrator. (The ER nurse told us last month about a petrified wiener they dug out of some obese woman’s flaps one time). I like to think we are reasonably intelligent and have good senses of humor. Past book club discussions have included obsessions with Mick Jagger and accidentally visiting hermaphrodite strip bars in New Orleans. I am a lurker here on your blog but I read it everyday during my pitiful lunch-at-my-work-desk-time and it gives me the strength to get though my hideously boring days.

As far as the dog thing – you can have both of mine. They suck. One barks incessantly and the other runs away at every chance she gets. Both the bitches eat poop. You can also have three of my five cats. You cannot have Larry or Earl, but you can have the other three. One of them is a nocturnal kitchen pooper (which is sometimes resolved by the fucking dogs) and another insists on bringing partially dead animals into the house for the coup de grace. The third is just a bonus for you.

Bridget

I don't even want to read your book! (Yes I do.) I think it'll be stupid and dumb and I'll hate it! (Read: Best. Thing. Ever.) So whatever you do, you better not pick me as the winner, because that would SUCK! (Is any of this working? No? Okay, then just please let me read it because I've exhausted my Jen Lancaster, David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs, and Elizabeth Wurtzel collections... and your book might force me to get a life. Kisses!)

Monica

So the other day My dog tried to eat my book. Wanna know what I did? Took the words right out of his mouth.

Okay, okay - not too highbrow but it should show the lenghts I will go to in order to read your book. I read your archives in the span of 2 days and have been hooked ever since. Sorry for being a long time listener and and first time commenter, if you let me read your book I promise I'll be better.

Monica

I guess my plea would be better received if I proved I could spell and stuff.

Should have said: lengths not lenghts

Maybe this made you laugh more than the cornball joke?

MOE

I tend to piss people off because I don't hold back on what I have to say... So, if you're looking for honesty - bring it on!

Tiffany

As a fellow snarky bitch, I would love to read your book. I also have 6 pet chickens you could kidnap which could in turn help you end your abusive relationship with Popeye's

Sarah

I have my red pencil ready! Please let me read it! I'm reading Such a Pretty Fat (Jen Lancaster is so awesome!) again because I am out of new books to read and my darling husband is unemployed, so no new books for me unless they are free (or until my free-loading dogs get jobs).

Graygrrrl

Perhaps the best thing to do is number and watermark copies and email them to all of us. Then you would have a multitude of responses from would be literati and failed book writers. I too am a failed writer, mostly because I do not have the courage you do to share my work with strangers. Or loved ones. Or even my cat (who would let you kidnap him, but then spend his time in captivity by urinating on all you hold dear, so better just leave him to me).

Amanda

I figured I would be able to amuse you with a few little tidbits about my job as a police office, then you would allow me to proofread your book. Let me preface this with telling you I work in a college town and deal almost exclusively with douchebags who wear four popped collar polo shirts and trucker hats cocked (appropriate word for who they are)to the side.

1. College student, "Can I get a ride home? You're a public servant." Response, "And you're a drunk tool. We all have our own roles. Enjoy your walk."

2. Exorbitant amounts of alcohol + bike (as in bicycle) + riding said bike into the open door on a police car = DUI. The future of our country at its best.

3. Feels vindicated when bad things happen to people who ruin my lazy, slow, otherwise enjoyable summer. Don't judge me.

4. 'Your connection has been terminated locally by the client ' is usually followed by...survey says: A string of curse words so vulgar baby Jesus weeps. (New computer system at works sucks).

5. Hands down, worst error message to get from a computer program after a 12 hour shift and sleeping 9 hours in three days, 'Report? Umm, what report? Oops.'

For an added bonus: I taught an unsuspecting college student not to leave his facebook account logged on at the Verizon store. I will just say his family and friends thought he was having a disturbing relationship with domesticated animals for several hours.

Emily

I would live to read your book. You remind me of myself if I was a guy and gay. I love to read and we've come to the same conclusions on the books we've read. Plus it'll be a lot better than doing my real job working for two men in their 70s acting like babies.

Lauren

OH MY GOD I WANT TO READ YOUR BOOK! ok sorry, I'm done shouting. I got really excited though, and furiously racked my brain trying to come up with something funny/witty to say that would demonstrate what a clever snarky bitch I am, but I got nothing. Take pity on me and send me your book! Please.

Julie

pick me pick me!

tangi

I would like to read your book. I currently teach 6th grade English by day and college English two nights a week. I have a MA in lit with an emphasis in creative writing. Currently I am writing for contests as a lark. Perhaps your novel will convince me to settle down and write my own. If you would like to see some of my work, I can send poetry, porn, or essays.

Amanda

Much like Monica, I too apparently did not proofread. This may surprise everyone, but I rather than a police office I am a police officer.

Additionally, my dog is on a Fed Ex truck en route to you abode, no kidnapping required. Be forewarned, she recently peed on the bed. As an added bonus she likes to dine on various items she finds in the bathroom trashcan, such as tissues, clumps of hair and umm...baby preventing paraphernalia. Gross, huh? Enjoy!

Amanda

That sentence should have read, 'Much like Monica, I too apparently did not proofread. This may surprise everyone, but rather than a police office, I am a police officer.' Dammit, that was two. Maybe you'll choose me to proofread your work if I keep fucking up then correcting what I have typed in order to illustrate the fact that I am capable of doing so. Yeah, that was my intention.

Or maybe you will just think that I am annoying and retarded.

Kate

I feel as though I should be choosen for this wonderful assignment for several reasons:

1. I, too, work night audit in a hotel and honestly, what the fuck else do I have to do. I have already read through all your archives.

2. I would give you honest feedback, because really, I am past the point in my life about caring about anyone's feelings.(It's an awful shame that we have them at all)

3.I would help you capture Lance Bass and keep him "safe" in the N'Sync Mansion.

You may have my dog, be warned he is a humper. I mean a non-stop leg loving humper. While getting ready for work it took all I had not to end up look like Courtney Love after a night of crack smoking, what with the ferocious leg fucking and all.

Samantha

I didn't read anyone else's comments just in case someone is wittier than me, and I choose to believe that (aside from you, of course, my darlin') no one is wittier than me. That being said, I was a Creative Writing major. I was getting 100 percents on spelling tests in kindergarten and the only reason I got Connecticut wrong in fifth grade was because who the FUCK decided to spell it and make the C silent?! Nazis, that's who. Northeastern Nazis.

Anyway, I've been proofreading everything I come across since I could read. I taunt mercilessly when I find grammar mistakes with stupid people, but because of my major, I had to take a lot of workshop classes where I would constructively criticize the works of my classmates and I enjoyed doing it. I've even considered going into the field of editing and publishing because I love rearranging sentences and fixing spelling errors so much. And I'm not just saying this to kiss your ass. I truly do lead the kind of sad and pathetic life where spelling and grammar are my BFF's.

But my amazing professional credentials aside, you once said you likes my snark and sarcasm cause they were good people and I love your bitchy for the same reason. Lance Bass was always my favorite guy in *NSync (yeah, I spell it with the asterisk baby) even when people told me he was gay and I chose not to believe them. His name was totally written on my zipper binder thingy in middle school in white-out pen, cause I was a baller like that. I will help you think of one kick-ass title.

And for icing on the cake...that thing I once told you I had that would make you jealous but I never posted a picture of? Giant cardboard cutout of *NSync circa the early 2000's when they were still riding that "No Strings Attached" wave. I feel like we're soul sisters in that we both appreciate giant cardboard cutouts of former pop singers.

Also...reading your blog is like rereading something from my own mind. I honestly think I'm on your level and I'd understand your book the way you'd want it understood, by your target audience. And now I know I got way out of hand, but seriously, this is something I'd be sort of honored to do for you. And I do hope you decide to let me read your book.

I'll even write "Lance <3 Sean" in the margins for you ;-)

Shawn

Ok, so as a fellow overweight, bitchy, gay man named Shawn (I know it's not the same spelling, but it's still the same name. Gotta give me that much!)who works in customer service and does his share of graveyard shifts, I have to tell you that I absolutely love your blog. I commented once before when I first found it, telling you how much I enjoy it. Since then I've been sharing your observations with everyone I work with and have been waiting to hear you say that you've finished your book. However, until I hear the book is finished and published, this queen won't be happy.

Any one of your readers would surely jump at this chance and I am no exception. Your blog is a must read and even if you aren't sure if the book should be published, I am sure that it deserves to be read.

While I would be honored to be the one person picked to help you proofread and give you my opinion, I do agree with one of the people above. I think it would be a great idea to expand it to at least a few people rather than one. Not only will this give you a better idea of various opinions, but it will also allow for the chance that someone may catch something that another had missed.

gbrsgirl

I would love to read your book and help you proof it. I promise to take your delicate feelings into account :)

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